Failure.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to get a degree in. I still have no idea. I just want to at least get a degree so I have something. I mean I obviously want to get a job I like and it would be good if I get a degree in something that I actually want to go into, but at the same time I don't know what I want to do, so it's so hard to predict the future and pick something that I'll actually be able to use in 10 years.

I talked to my Mum a little more about it and I told her maybe I would get a degree in graphic design. I mean in the Central catalog it says that it can be used in fields like web design. I talked about web design a while back and I thought about it, but the thing is I'm not sure if I have enough artistic talent for graphic design as a major. For that course you have to take a lot of art classes. I'm just not positive I have enough natural talent to do that kind of a thing. I feel like I'm going to walk in there and everyone will already know what to do and they'll all be AMAZING artists. I'll end up being the only one that sucks. You have to critique and stuff as well, so if everyone says my artwork sucks, then obviously I'd want to give up right there. I'd be scared I'd even cry in front of them or something. I'm just not sure of anything anymore. At least it feels that way. My Mum said maybe I could take an art class over the winter and decide whether or not I like it, but the problem is I can't find any drawing classes that are offered when I need it to be. I just feel so stuck right now. I just want a stupid degree and to get out of school already and be in England!

I also wish I didn't have to apply for jobs. I'm starting to think I'm going to need to find a new one because United Steel isn't cutting it. They're jerking me around because they can't decide if they can give me more hours or not. I've been waiting around for almost 2 weeks and they still haven't given me an answer. I just don't feel like that's very professional. My Mum says I need to get a job too because she doesn't want me just sitting around the house all day. I feel like I'm going to end up with some really shitty job that I hate and I'm going to hate going everyday. Either I go to university and fuck up or I go to a shitty as job... great!

I just want to get out of this state. I want to be in England. I was so happy there. I miss it so much lately. It just seems so vivid when I think about it. I can just picture being there and all the stuff I did and the feelings that I felt. It's really weird. I feel like I'll be going back soon, but I know I won't be :( I'm so scared that I'm gonna fail and end up never going back :'( I'm scared to fail. It's almost as if I'd rather not try at all. I don't want to be a failure...

Where Do I Want To Be In 10 Years?

I haven't posted in a while, but I'm not gonna make up excuses as to why I haven't written, so I guess I'll just get on with it.

I've still been going to see Elaine every Tuesday at 4. I have an appointment with her today actually. Last time I was there she gave me some "homework." I'm supposed to think about where I want to be in 10 years. She said it doesn't have to be a specific job, but stuff like location.

I've thought about it a little bit and honestly, I really would like to be back in England. I was so happy there and I just love everything about it. It would be a dream come true if I got the opportunity to live and work there by the time I'm 32. So I guess that answers her question as to where I would like to be physically in 10 years, but I feel like it's more complicated than a simple answer like that.

First of all, I'd want to be in England somewhere near London or in London. I think London is an AMAZING city and would love to live there or near by. Hatfield was okay when I was living there. There isn't much to do, but that might have been because I didn't have a car to really get around to anything. I feel like if I was in London though it would give more a better opportunity to meet people. I would hope I would meet people either way, but I feel like London is more diverse and has more people (obviously), so the chances of being able to meet people might be greater? Maybe?

Besides what city I want to live in, there's the issue of my family. I obviously love my family, but I'm not sure how they'd feel about me moving there. I know that they would probably want me to be happy and if that is what makes me happy I don't think they would deliberately try to stop me, but it might be harder for them to grasp the whole idea of me moving to another country. My Dad already said "What about your family?" I just told him I would come visit and come home for holidays and stuff like that. Most of our family lives really close by to where we are now, so it would be a huge change and I would miss them a lot, but I know being in London would really make me happy. I don't know what it is, but there's just something I love about being there. I wish I was there now.

The only other problem I could see would be the issue of money. I said I would come home to visit for holidays and such, but that requires money. I feel like I need to make sure that I have a job that will be good enough to pay the expenses to keep flying back and forth. I mean, yeah my family could come visit me as well, but I'd want to come home too. Besides that, I know my Mom doesn't really make great money, so it'd be hard for her to get the money to fly over. That's why I'm hoping I can get a good enough job to make all of this happen for me and my family.

That pretty much answers her question, but while I was there we talked about jobs and university and stuff like that. I told her about the audio engineering thing that I thought about doing. Since the appointment I've thought about it more though and I'm not really sure that's even what I want to do. I did research and looked into it more and it just seems like there's not many opportunities to get a job in a field like that. Even if it's something I think I might really like, I'm not sure I'm that much of a "go-getter" to hunt down the job and spend every waking minute trying to achieve it. Plus from what I looked at they usually don't make a ton of money, so if the salary is around 30,000 which I think is what my Mom makes around, then that probably wouldn't cut it for me.

The only problem now is what do I want to do? I have no idea at all! I've been looking at different stuff and going through different ideas and my issues and what I like doing, but I still have no idea what I want to do for a career :( I don't know how I'm supposed to decide something like that either. I guess I have to think about it more and maybe I'll try to talk to Elaine about it today. I just don't want to draw the subject out forever, I just feel so confused about it. I know she can't decide for me, but I just don't know what to do at this point and I'm hoping making she'll have some ideas to help.

That's all I'm going to post for now because I have to get ready for my appointment, but I'm sure I'll post again later and write about what we discuss today. Hope it all goes well at this appointment :)

Another Bad Day

I thought maybe today I would have an okay day, but I was wrong. I had a horrible night and woke up feeling just the same. Last night I felt like I deserved whatever came my way. I am not a very good person and I deserve all the bad things that happen to me. I still feel the same today in a way... maybe just not as strongly.

I just don't know how to deal with life anymore. I feel like I've messed up so much and I know I'm going to keep messing up. I'm messing up my whole life and my future and it's my own doing, so I deserve it if I have a bad future ahead of me. I wish I could take a break from life and a break from school. That's one of the things that's stressing me out a lot. I know tomorrow is Sunday and that on Monday I'll have to go back to class. I'm dreading it. I feel like I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore. I don't want to end up in a job like the one I have now. I know it's not a bad job, but I want a job I like. I just don't know what I want that to be yet. I'm struggling in computer science, so now I'm not sure it's for me. Maybe I give up easily and it's not going my way, so I'm weak and want to give up... I'm not really sure. I know I can't change my major now. I know my parents want me to graduate, but I feel like I can't do this anymore. I wish I could just disappear.

I also text Seth today. Him and Heather are in the process of moving and I know that, but I'm just so needy. I hate myself for it. I just wish he would care and I wish that he would be there for me. I am so scared that I'm messing things up so bad. I know he's going to leave, so I wanna end it before that happens. At least that's how it feels. I'm going to try really hard not to message him for a few days. I want to make things better and I want to be his friend, but I feel like I'm getting so attached. I don't want things to be like this. I don't want him to leave and I just wish he would care. I'm not saying he doesn't, but it's not how I want it to be. In one of his text he said "Stop. Today is not a good day to be upset. We're moving." I know it, but I just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and to be there for me. I want to know that they're not going to leave me, but I feel like I can never have that.

I just want to be better. My Mom got mad at me today too because I said that I was going to call someone to talk about medicine. She was like "I thought you didn't want to go back on medicine and now you want to call someone to talk about it?" She basically went on and on about how someone needs to tell me I need it for me to be on it and that the new lady isn't big on medicine, so maybe I shouldn't go back on it. I know I said I didn't want to have to go back on meds, but if it will make me feel better, at this point, I don't care. I just told her that I've been feeling like crap and so if they'll make me feel better then I would. She was like "What do you mean you feel like crap?" She wanted me to explain what was so wrong with me that I needed to be on medication. I just believe that if I feel that I need to go back on and a medical professional agrees with me, then that's all there is to it. I shouldn't have to justify my reasons for needing to be on them. I don't need to explain all my symptoms and how I feel. I'm not about to tell her how I cry everyday in my room and I cut myself and how much I wish I were dead. I wouldn't tell a lot of people that. I know it will hurt her, but I also just don't feel like that's something I am going to share with her. If she can't accept that, then I don't really know what else to say. Everything feels like it's just caving in and I want it all to stop. I just wish my life would end :(

Stuck In The Middle...

My parents divorce when I was 17. You would think that after 5 years they would have worked out some of the issues they have with each other and be able to at least be in the same room without fighting, but I guess I'm wrong about that. Most of the time they're fighting about money. It's really starting to get to me lately. I'm just so sick of hearing about how my Dad doesn't wanna pay my Mom money and doesn't wanna contribute anything for me and my sister. I understand that we're both over the age of 18, but neither of us are financially stable enough to support ourselves. We both have jobs, but neither of us make enough to support ourselves. We also both go to college, so it's not a full time job. It's just annoying to know that since we're 18 and the "papers" from court say he doesn't have to pay anymore, means that he can just go do whatever he wants now. My Mom gets stuck with a lot of the bills and she makes no where near the money he makes. He is by no means "poor." He actually makes good money, but he is unwilling to give money to my Mom. The weird thing about it is that he will take me and my sister out to dinner without blinking and he'll fill up my sister's gas tank without thinking, but he can't help my Mom out.

The reason I feel stuck in the middle is because my Mom tells me everything that goes on between them and what's said in the fights. It's getting to be too much. I know I side with her a lot because I see her point, but sometimes I'm scared to disagree with her because I know she'll be upset and hurt. I know she doesn't make a lot and I don't blame her for not being able to afford everything that my Dad does, but the whole situation just sucks.

I was on the phone with her today and she basically told me to lie to my Dad. My Mom wants money to help pay for me and my sister's cell phone bills. She's tried to ask him nicely, at least that's what she said. He hung up on her and now they're in a huge fight. She wants me to tell him that now she's forcing me and my sister to pay the 60 dollars a month for our cell phone, when we're only actually paying her 25 dollars. I understand where she's coming from and I understand that this may help her financially, but I feel stupid lying to my Dad in order to get money out of him. I have always tried to be able to do things on my own without needing help from my parents. My sister is the opposite and doesn't mind asking for help, but I just feel bad lying in order to help my Mom out. I love them both, so I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt either. I'm just so stuck :( I'm not sure I want to have to talk about these things with my Mom anymore. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't tell me what goes on between them. Maybe it would be easier if she just said she couldn't financially afford certain things, rather than telling me the details and play-by-play of what happened between them.

I hope I don't end up like that in the future. I know that sounds horrible and really mean, but being the kid and having to deal with it all the time is just a struggle. I don't wanna put my kids through that and I don't want to be in either of my parent's shoes.

On a side note, Lindsey says Matt really wants to meet me, but I basically told her I wasn't looking for anything. She found it really weird. I'm not saying that if I met Matt that we would ever be in a relationship, but lately I just haven't had the best of luck with finding someone great. I haven't been treated the best... maybe I've even been used in a sense. Having gone through that fairly recently, it's not something I want to jump into. She says Matt will be sad if he doesn't get to meet me, but I'm sure he'll get over it. It's really not that big a deal and I'm not something so special that he's missing out big time... At least that's how I see it.

I guess that's all I'm gonna write for now. I don't wanna go off on too much of a tangent and have 97259725 topics and thoughts going all at once. Hopefully I'll write again soon.

Bored.

Basically there's no real reasons for this post other than the fact that I'm super bored. I have been for more than the past 24 hours. There's nothing to do in my dorm, but I don't really feel up to going out. I would play World of Warcraft, but my month is up and I tried to add another month, but it's not accepting my billing information. I have no way of calling Blizzard to tell them to fix it, so I e-mailed them. I know it will take them a while to respond though, which is really quite annoying. If I had that, at least I could play a game.

Which reminds me... Now I'm not sure I have to pay for any of my school books. I'm really confused. My Mom and Dad haven't actually talked, but now they mentioned something about splitting the cost of my school books, but I assumed that meant I still had to pay for a portion, but my Dad made it seem like they alone were just paying for it. I wish I knew, but of course my Mom and Dad can't have a civil conversation, so they haven't actually talked about it. I wish they would just get along. I know they have their differences and money is an issue, but it's getting really annoying that after this long they can't even talk to each other without getting in some kind of a fight about something.

Anyway, one of the main reasons I want to know if I have to pay them back for school books is because I really want to buy an Xbox 360. I have enough money for it if I don't have to pay them back. I'm just worried I'll end up playing that all day instead of doing any real work, which obviously would be bad. I really need to get back on track with school. I just feel so unmotivated :(

Seth and Heather are gone for today and they're staying overnight in New York, so I can't hangout with them either. I wish I could though :( I'm still so paranoid I'm going to get too clingy, so I've been trying to text him less so I don't annoy him too much. I talked to him yesterday after work sent me home. That was when I was crying my eyes out... After I got back to my dorm I hadn't text him at all until he text me this morning to ask how I was feeling. He said he got sick yesterday, so I hope he's feeling better today.

I'm also wonder if it's a bad thing that I want to be nice to people? I know it's kind of a weird question, but I feel like I want to be nice to everyone and to have people like me and know that I'm gonna be nice and not be a total bitch to anyone. I'm worried that this will lead to people walking all over me and using me, which is obviously not what I want. I just don't get if "being nice" is a bad thing if you're nice all the time. I mean I doubt I could be really brutally mean to anyone anyways, but I just wonder if I'll come off as a bitch if I don't take crap from people. I don't really know how to explain it. I just want to be nice to people. I like being nice... Is that bad?

Begging For Attention!

I was told yesterday that apparently I'm just begging for attention. This comment really made me kind of mad and upset me. What happened was I was talking to Pete and I said I was really upset and needed someone to talk to because I was scared of what I might do. He basically ended up telling me that by threatening to cut and wanting to talk to him that I'm just begging for attention. I understand that wanting to talk to someone requires their attention, but that's not at all how I see it. I was asking for help and he wasn't willing to be there for me. I guess it just goes to show you who your real friends are. I needed him to be there for me so I didn't do something stupid and he wasn't there. He didn't care whether or not I did it. It made my opinion of him go way down. Even if he thinks I was "begging for attention" you would think as a good friend he would care about how much I'm hurting and how bad I needed someone to talk to in order to calm down, but apparently I was wrong. I don't really know what else to say about it. I just thought it was pretty crappy to accuse someone of begging for attention and to leave them crying there eyes out and to go hurt themselves.

On the other hand, I feel like Heather and Seth care. That's what I need right now. Is just to know someone actually cares besides my family. They let me come over last night because I was crying so bad and needed to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. I was over their place, but I couldn't fall asleep no matter what. I felt like I was just invading their space. I don't know if it sounds weird or not, but both of them being there made me feel better. I haven't really hung out with Heather on my own, but her being there and trying to comfort me just made me feel better and I just feel like I can relate to her. Maybe she's been through the stuff I've been through and I just feel like maybe she understands me a little. She said something that made me think it even more. I said how at that point I didn't even wanna be "here" anymore, meaning life. She basically told me that she's felt that way too and there's been times where she's just wanted to swerve off the road and die. I thought that when I had those thoughts that it was only me that thought that. I just never really thought anyone else would think the same stuff I was, but apparently she did. It just makes me feel less alone.

Anyway, they were asleep and I didn't wanna wake them up with me crying on the floor. Seth told me I should stay, but I just felt so horrible I didn't wanna burden them anymore, so I went back to my dorm. I took aspirin for my headache and went to sleep hoping I would feel a little better today.

I got up at 8 for work and went in but I just felt so low that I started crying at work and they let me go home. I didn't even make it home without crying my eyes out. I ended up in the parking lot of Stop & Shop crying on the phone to Seth. Yet again being clingy and burdening them. I got so scared when he said he was gonna call the police if I couldn't stop crying and make it back to my dorm. I don't wanna go back to the hospital. I know I'm messing a lot of stuff up lately, but I'm just so low and feel so horrible that I keep wishing something would happen to me and I would die. I know that sounds really bad, but that's how I feel a lot of the time know. I guess it just proves how much I need to be on meds again.

I'm going to a new psychologist on Tuesday, so hopefully she's nice and I like her and feel comfortable with her. I'm so scared to tell her about the cutting because I never know how people are going to react. I'm always scared they'll immediately call the police on me and make me go to the hospital or put me in the psych ward or something. I mean that might not happen, but it has in the past, so of course I'm scared. I mean I'll tell her I've done it, I just hope she doesn't react in a bad way. I have a feeling I'll cry a lot of the time in her office anyways. I guess we'll wait and see though.

I forgot to mention, now Seth says I have to show him where I cut. I'm so ashamed of cutting and I don't want other people to see it, but he says I have to. He wants to see what's there now to make sure I don't do it anymore. I mean it makes sense, but I'm so scared he'll freak out when he sees and he'll make me go to the hospital. Even if it's just to have it looked at and cleaned up or something, but the thing is, if the hospital sees that, they're not going to be very happy... AKA psych ward? I just want him to promise if he won't call anyone or make me go anywhere after showing him, that I will try my hardest not to do it anymore. I have a feeling he won't like that response...

That's all I'm gonna write for today. I'm just so exhausted mentally, but I can't fall asleep. I might go lay down though because I'm not feeling so great.

Feeling Low Lately...

Today was kind of a crappy day. I woke up and was a bit stressed because I had a math quiz this morning. It was only 20 points out of our entire grade which is 400 points, but I made the mistake of going out, rather than studying. In the end it just made things worse because I had to cram for the quiz. Before class even started I freaked out really, really bad. I ended up crying and texting my friend Seth. I know it probably only made things worse and I should have calmed down and taken a breath, but I didn't. Texting Seth only made my feel worse because I was pushing all my problems on him and complaining. I just feel so low at the moment. This is where the title comes in.

I went to the counselor at uni yesterday. I cried the entire time I was in her office. She told me that she thinks maybe I should go back on meds. I basically told her that it wasn't what I wanted. I've been through this all before. I've been through the doctor's appointment and the hospitals and the cutting and the medication and feeling so low that I just don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to deal with life. It's not something I want to go back to. I wish I could just ignore the problem and it would go away, but I know this isn't going to happen. I wish I could have a break from life for just a little bit and catch up with everything I need to, but there is no break coming. I know I need to work harder and to get back on track. I just feel so unmotivated. I wish I could just lay in bed until all my problems go away. It'll only make things worse, but I do wish for that sometimes.

I also feel really horrible for what I did to Seth. I told him I wouldn't go back to doing what I used to do, but somehow that's exactly what happened. I went back to it and now he's disappointed in me. I wish people wouldn't trust me with their feelings. If I mess up, it's hurting other people and that's the last thing I want. I just want to be good enough for someone and I don't want people to not like me or to hate me or to be disappointed in me. Now I'm fearful of what it'll be like the next time I see Seth and Heather. I'm assuming he'll tell her what I've done. I don't want to loose both of their friendships because they've been nothing but nice to me. This is part of the reason I'm trying to get back on track and trying to do better. I want to do well for the people in my life, as well as for myself.

I guess I'll leave it at that for now, hopefully I'll have better stuff to post later. I just wanna feel better. Maybe if medicine will help, then I should take that step again. I also made a call to a new therapist, so I'm hoping these are all steps in the right directions.