Begging For Attention!

I was told yesterday that apparently I'm just begging for attention. This comment really made me kind of mad and upset me. What happened was I was talking to Pete and I said I was really upset and needed someone to talk to because I was scared of what I might do. He basically ended up telling me that by threatening to cut and wanting to talk to him that I'm just begging for attention. I understand that wanting to talk to someone requires their attention, but that's not at all how I see it. I was asking for help and he wasn't willing to be there for me. I guess it just goes to show you who your real friends are. I needed him to be there for me so I didn't do something stupid and he wasn't there. He didn't care whether or not I did it. It made my opinion of him go way down. Even if he thinks I was "begging for attention" you would think as a good friend he would care about how much I'm hurting and how bad I needed someone to talk to in order to calm down, but apparently I was wrong. I don't really know what else to say about it. I just thought it was pretty crappy to accuse someone of begging for attention and to leave them crying there eyes out and to go hurt themselves.

On the other hand, I feel like Heather and Seth care. That's what I need right now. Is just to know someone actually cares besides my family. They let me come over last night because I was crying so bad and needed to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. I was over their place, but I couldn't fall asleep no matter what. I felt like I was just invading their space. I don't know if it sounds weird or not, but both of them being there made me feel better. I haven't really hung out with Heather on my own, but her being there and trying to comfort me just made me feel better and I just feel like I can relate to her. Maybe she's been through the stuff I've been through and I just feel like maybe she understands me a little. She said something that made me think it even more. I said how at that point I didn't even wanna be "here" anymore, meaning life. She basically told me that she's felt that way too and there's been times where she's just wanted to swerve off the road and die. I thought that when I had those thoughts that it was only me that thought that. I just never really thought anyone else would think the same stuff I was, but apparently she did. It just makes me feel less alone.

Anyway, they were asleep and I didn't wanna wake them up with me crying on the floor. Seth told me I should stay, but I just felt so horrible I didn't wanna burden them anymore, so I went back to my dorm. I took aspirin for my headache and went to sleep hoping I would feel a little better today.

I got up at 8 for work and went in but I just felt so low that I started crying at work and they let me go home. I didn't even make it home without crying my eyes out. I ended up in the parking lot of Stop & Shop crying on the phone to Seth. Yet again being clingy and burdening them. I got so scared when he said he was gonna call the police if I couldn't stop crying and make it back to my dorm. I don't wanna go back to the hospital. I know I'm messing a lot of stuff up lately, but I'm just so low and feel so horrible that I keep wishing something would happen to me and I would die. I know that sounds really bad, but that's how I feel a lot of the time know. I guess it just proves how much I need to be on meds again.

I'm going to a new psychologist on Tuesday, so hopefully she's nice and I like her and feel comfortable with her. I'm so scared to tell her about the cutting because I never know how people are going to react. I'm always scared they'll immediately call the police on me and make me go to the hospital or put me in the psych ward or something. I mean that might not happen, but it has in the past, so of course I'm scared. I mean I'll tell her I've done it, I just hope she doesn't react in a bad way. I have a feeling I'll cry a lot of the time in her office anyways. I guess we'll wait and see though.

I forgot to mention, now Seth says I have to show him where I cut. I'm so ashamed of cutting and I don't want other people to see it, but he says I have to. He wants to see what's there now to make sure I don't do it anymore. I mean it makes sense, but I'm so scared he'll freak out when he sees and he'll make me go to the hospital. Even if it's just to have it looked at and cleaned up or something, but the thing is, if the hospital sees that, they're not going to be very happy... AKA psych ward? I just want him to promise if he won't call anyone or make me go anywhere after showing him, that I will try my hardest not to do it anymore. I have a feeling he won't like that response...

That's all I'm gonna write for today. I'm just so exhausted mentally, but I can't fall asleep. I might go lay down though because I'm not feeling so great.