Today was kind of a crappy day. I woke up and was a bit stressed because I had a math quiz this morning. It was only 20 points out of our entire grade which is 400 points, but I made the mistake of going out, rather than studying. In the end it just made things worse because I had to cram for the quiz. Before class even started I freaked out really, really bad. I ended up crying and texting my friend Seth. I know it probably only made things worse and I should have calmed down and taken a breath, but I didn't. Texting Seth only made my feel worse because I was pushing all my problems on him and complaining. I just feel so low at the moment. This is where the title comes in.
I went to the counselor at uni yesterday. I cried the entire time I was in her office. She told me that she thinks maybe I should go back on meds. I basically told her that it wasn't what I wanted. I've been through this all before. I've been through the doctor's appointment and the hospitals and the cutting and the medication and feeling so low that I just don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to deal with life. It's not something I want to go back to. I wish I could just ignore the problem and it would go away, but I know this isn't going to happen. I wish I could have a break from life for just a little bit and catch up with everything I need to, but there is no break coming. I know I need to work harder and to get back on track. I just feel so unmotivated. I wish I could just lay in bed until all my problems go away. It'll only make things worse, but I do wish for that sometimes.
I also feel really horrible for what I did to Seth. I told him I wouldn't go back to doing what I used to do, but somehow that's exactly what happened. I went back to it and now he's disappointed in me. I wish people wouldn't trust me with their feelings. If I mess up, it's hurting other people and that's the last thing I want. I just want to be good enough for someone and I don't want people to not like me or to hate me or to be disappointed in me. Now I'm fearful of what it'll be like the next time I see Seth and Heather. I'm assuming he'll tell her what I've done. I don't want to loose both of their friendships because they've been nothing but nice to me. This is part of the reason I'm trying to get back on track and trying to do better. I want to do well for the people in my life, as well as for myself.
I guess I'll leave it at that for now, hopefully I'll have better stuff to post later. I just wanna feel better. Maybe if medicine will help, then I should take that step again. I also made a call to a new therapist, so I'm hoping these are all steps in the right directions.
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