Another Bad Day

I thought maybe today I would have an okay day, but I was wrong. I had a horrible night and woke up feeling just the same. Last night I felt like I deserved whatever came my way. I am not a very good person and I deserve all the bad things that happen to me. I still feel the same today in a way... maybe just not as strongly.

I just don't know how to deal with life anymore. I feel like I've messed up so much and I know I'm going to keep messing up. I'm messing up my whole life and my future and it's my own doing, so I deserve it if I have a bad future ahead of me. I wish I could take a break from life and a break from school. That's one of the things that's stressing me out a lot. I know tomorrow is Sunday and that on Monday I'll have to go back to class. I'm dreading it. I feel like I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore. I don't want to end up in a job like the one I have now. I know it's not a bad job, but I want a job I like. I just don't know what I want that to be yet. I'm struggling in computer science, so now I'm not sure it's for me. Maybe I give up easily and it's not going my way, so I'm weak and want to give up... I'm not really sure. I know I can't change my major now. I know my parents want me to graduate, but I feel like I can't do this anymore. I wish I could just disappear.

I also text Seth today. Him and Heather are in the process of moving and I know that, but I'm just so needy. I hate myself for it. I just wish he would care and I wish that he would be there for me. I am so scared that I'm messing things up so bad. I know he's going to leave, so I wanna end it before that happens. At least that's how it feels. I'm going to try really hard not to message him for a few days. I want to make things better and I want to be his friend, but I feel like I'm getting so attached. I don't want things to be like this. I don't want him to leave and I just wish he would care. I'm not saying he doesn't, but it's not how I want it to be. In one of his text he said "Stop. Today is not a good day to be upset. We're moving." I know it, but I just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and to be there for me. I want to know that they're not going to leave me, but I feel like I can never have that.

I just want to be better. My Mom got mad at me today too because I said that I was going to call someone to talk about medicine. She was like "I thought you didn't want to go back on medicine and now you want to call someone to talk about it?" She basically went on and on about how someone needs to tell me I need it for me to be on it and that the new lady isn't big on medicine, so maybe I shouldn't go back on it. I know I said I didn't want to have to go back on meds, but if it will make me feel better, at this point, I don't care. I just told her that I've been feeling like crap and so if they'll make me feel better then I would. She was like "What do you mean you feel like crap?" She wanted me to explain what was so wrong with me that I needed to be on medication. I just believe that if I feel that I need to go back on and a medical professional agrees with me, then that's all there is to it. I shouldn't have to justify my reasons for needing to be on them. I don't need to explain all my symptoms and how I feel. I'm not about to tell her how I cry everyday in my room and I cut myself and how much I wish I were dead. I wouldn't tell a lot of people that. I know it will hurt her, but I also just don't feel like that's something I am going to share with her. If she can't accept that, then I don't really know what else to say. Everything feels like it's just caving in and I want it all to stop. I just wish my life would end :(