Failure.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to get a degree in. I still have no idea. I just want to at least get a degree so I have something. I mean I obviously want to get a job I like and it would be good if I get a degree in something that I actually want to go into, but at the same time I don't know what I want to do, so it's so hard to predict the future and pick something that I'll actually be able to use in 10 years.

I talked to my Mum a little more about it and I told her maybe I would get a degree in graphic design. I mean in the Central catalog it says that it can be used in fields like web design. I talked about web design a while back and I thought about it, but the thing is I'm not sure if I have enough artistic talent for graphic design as a major. For that course you have to take a lot of art classes. I'm just not positive I have enough natural talent to do that kind of a thing. I feel like I'm going to walk in there and everyone will already know what to do and they'll all be AMAZING artists. I'll end up being the only one that sucks. You have to critique and stuff as well, so if everyone says my artwork sucks, then obviously I'd want to give up right there. I'd be scared I'd even cry in front of them or something. I'm just not sure of anything anymore. At least it feels that way. My Mum said maybe I could take an art class over the winter and decide whether or not I like it, but the problem is I can't find any drawing classes that are offered when I need it to be. I just feel so stuck right now. I just want a stupid degree and to get out of school already and be in England!

I also wish I didn't have to apply for jobs. I'm starting to think I'm going to need to find a new one because United Steel isn't cutting it. They're jerking me around because they can't decide if they can give me more hours or not. I've been waiting around for almost 2 weeks and they still haven't given me an answer. I just don't feel like that's very professional. My Mum says I need to get a job too because she doesn't want me just sitting around the house all day. I feel like I'm going to end up with some really shitty job that I hate and I'm going to hate going everyday. Either I go to university and fuck up or I go to a shitty as job... great!

I just want to get out of this state. I want to be in England. I was so happy there. I miss it so much lately. It just seems so vivid when I think about it. I can just picture being there and all the stuff I did and the feelings that I felt. It's really weird. I feel like I'll be going back soon, but I know I won't be :( I'm so scared that I'm gonna fail and end up never going back :'( I'm scared to fail. It's almost as if I'd rather not try at all. I don't want to be a failure...